I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually