I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
what the fuck happened to the tacos
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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