he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
