Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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