that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize