Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I think I died a long time ago.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
