I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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