Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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