Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
