I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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