If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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