you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
