How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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