so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
