She is in my trunk
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
