Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
