If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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