I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
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