Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
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I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
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i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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