last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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