I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
