and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
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Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
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Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life