I love you!
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?