How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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