it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
