I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
