somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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