All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
