I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
