fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
