I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
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