I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
