Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
