apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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