Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
