The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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