They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
