I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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