Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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