Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
