theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
