i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
