ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
