Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Randomize
