ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
