The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
In other news, I just burned my penis
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
