Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
