I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Randomize
