We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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