She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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