I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
