Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
