Cold hands, warm shart.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
