enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
