remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
