mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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