Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
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