I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
