at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
