Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
