hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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